Pregnancy does not last forever. It may seem interminable, but no woman in history (that I’m aware of) has ever gotten pregnant and stayed that way indefinitely.
The above may seem like a rather obvious statement, but it’s one I’ve been needing to (vociferously) reiterate to myself over the last several weeks. As my belly grows—though not as quickly as my feet, which in my present state can double in size after just a few minutes outside—and my comfort levels diminish, the familiar tracks can start to run on loop in my head. I’ve been pregnant FOREVER. I have SO MUCH longer to go. I’m feeling miserable and there is no end in sight. Left unchecked, these thoughts will send me into a downward spiral of self-pity and despair. Enter: my internal fact checker that reminds me that this is not a permanent condition and in just a few short weeks I’ll be gazing into the tiny face of a precious baby boy who will have been 1000% worth every moment of pregnancy woes.
As excited as we are to meet our littlest Baby J, I simply can’t deny that pregnancy is not my favorite. I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that all three of my pregnancies have been relatively easy and entirely complication-free. Even my pregnancy with the twins, though insanely uncomfortable, was healthy and “normal.” This is an amazing blessing and a gift, and not something I take for granted. But even “boring” pregnancies are awkward and painful and riddled with mood swings and exhaustion and a bevy of other strange symptoms that are part of the package deal that is Baby Incubation.
My default is to emotionally hunker down and begrudgingly ride this thing to the finish line. But there may be a better way. I recently came across a lovely poem from Rupi Kaur that is relevant for any life stage but that I found especially convicting in my current state:
“I will never have this version of me again.” In all likelihood this is my last pregnancy (yes, I said that last time too. . . ). Never again will I have the experience of tiny jolting baby kicks pushing against the backside of my belly button. These are my last few weeks of watching the taut skin of my belly ripple with a turning body just beneath the surface. The last time I will walk around carrying life inside of me, knowing that my every heartbeat and breath is shared by another. The final month of seeing my older children press their lips against my stomach to whisper messages to a brother they’re excited to meet. These are the precious, beautiful parts of pregnancy I’m quick to ignore and that I really will miss when they’re gone.
Instead of gritting my teeth as I stare down the finish line that is baby’s birth day, I have the option of remaining present in my current condition—the pain of it, and the beauty of it, too. Our bodies are always evolving, and this pregnant body is about to undergo a massive evolution. I can choose to avoid my body, resenting her and wanting her to rush ahead; or I can appreciate and savor each stage of this metamorphosis.
Psalm 16:11 offers further comfort. In it, the psalmist recalls the abundant joy that can be found in God’s presence. This joy does not evaporate in the face of discomfort or pain. It is not waiting for me to give birth to make an appearance. God is present here and now, waiting for me to call upon Him and offering His free gift of joy in the midst of my pregnancy limbo.
In these final weeks, I can replace all of my internal complaints with this single mantra: “be present, with Him, now. Experience His joy and His pleasures NOW.” This is not simply a mantra for pregnancy, but for all of life. It is a reminder that when life is good and when it is bad, when it moves too quickly to keep up and when time seems to be standing still, there is always joy in the presence of God. When pleasures seem obscured by challenges and pain, I can cling to the truth that with God, joy is eternal. My body may evolve, my emotions and my comforts will change, but He is steadfast in His love and His promise to be with me through it all. I will slow down and be with Him.