Something I did not anticipate prior to having a fourth child was the loneliness. It’s a natural part of every birth, I think—the “pulling in” of the nesting months and the earliest postpartum days. A new mom’s focus naturally turns toward family and home, and outside relationships are a temporary casualty. I should have remembered this from my previous postpartum experiences, but memory is a fickle thing, casting all memories from my other baby years in a rosy glow.
I’m certain I will one day forget the hard parts of Nico’s first year, too, but right now they’re impossible to ignore. His excessive neediness has made much of our current life challenging, and outside relationships rank high on the list of things that seem (temporarily) unmanageable. It is harder to get out these days, and in those moments when we are in the company of others, Nico’s often too fussy for me to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation. Some days his needs are so high that even conversations with Luke or my other kids are impossible to come by.
Thankfully we are turning a corner with Nico, which has allowed for a few positive social interactions this past month. I hadn’t realized how much my soul was craving the fortification and nourishment that comes from time spent with others, especially other Christians. As a fairly hard-core introvert, I tend to downplay my need for social interaction. But having real, substantial dialogue with actual humans after a long dry spell revealed the intensity of my thirst for relationship. And my gradual reintroduction into Christian community has boosted my moods and rekindled parts of my faith that had gone dormant.
It took a social drought for me to recall my own need for relationship and community. Others may have higher or lower social needs, but whether we realize it or not, a craving for community is hardwired in each of us. God acknowledged this intrinsic need for companionship in Genesis 2, when He saw that Adam was alone and in need of a partner: “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). This is the first time in the Bible that we hear God describe something as “not good.” It wasn’t right for Adam to be alone; he needed a companion, and that need for companionship continues today.
God’s solution to loneliness didn’t end with the creation of a partner for Adam; relationships and community remain a common theme throughout Scripture. In fact, they are THE theme, with all of the Bible revolving around our relationships with God and with each other. Jesus spells out the centrality of relationship for believers in Mark 12:31-32, when He is asked about the greatest commandment and replies, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Elsewhere, Jesus doubles down on this second commandment: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).
During His thirty-three years on earth, Jesus modeled both of these—love for God the Father (which we see in Jesus’ times of prayer and in His obedience to the Father’s will) and love for people (which is apparent in His sacrificial death on the cross as well as every aspect of His life and ministry). Jesus didn’t just command His followers to love others, He showed us what that should look like. Sometimes that love took the form of friendship with His disciples. Sometimes it was meeting the needs of the sick and the lost. Sometimes loving people meant sharing the truth and addressing sin. Always it involved being present in body and spirit with the recipients of His love. Jesus did escape society for times of solitude with his Father, but He always returned. Even when he knew that He would be leaving this earth for good and would no longer be physically present with His disciples, He promised to stay with them (and us) through His spirit.
It’s because of Jesus’ ongoing presence that I haven’t been truly alone in my postpartum period of loneliness. He has been my faithful companion when human connection was lacking, and I’ve clung to His friendship in this season. And it’s this love for Jesus that is prompting me to step back into loving others (beyond the ones I continue to love on inside my home). Jesus, the very embodiment of love, initiates all love, and that includes loving relationship in community.
Thankfully I’ve been able to see the lovelines in all of the GOOD parts of these past several months. (I remain head-over-heels in love with the little guy that has turned our world upside down!) I’m thankful that the Lord is revealing the beauty in many of the hard parts too. Loneliness was not on my Bingo card for this season, but I’m glad for the reminder of how much I need and even desire relationships.
Father God, thank You for making us a people who need each other—for hardwiring us for relationship, and surrounding us with other humans who can meet those relational needs. Jesus, thank You for showing us what it looks like to be a good friend. Holy Spirit, thank You for being MY friend in a season of loneliness and for reminding me of how much I need human connection, too. And thank You, God, for the ways that You reveal Yourself to us through other people. I pray that You will use ME to reflect Your love to those around me.
