My Dear Nico Nico,

Happy Half Birthday, Little Man! Time is refusing to stand still, and somehow we are already at the midway point of your first year. You still seem brand new to me, but lately I’ve been seeing lots of newborns whose teeny tiny bodies remind me of how far you’ve come in such a short time.

A couple of weeks ago we brought dinner to the family of one of those newborns. This particular baby has the most amazing story: a few months before she was born, her parents were told that she may have a condition that was not compatible with life outside the womb. It was a devastating prognosis. But her parents invited us and countless others to pray, and God worked a miracle. She was healed, and born healthy, and I wept tears of joy when we met her. Looking at her sweet face as I held you in my arms, I was overcome with gratitude for her life as well as for yours. Your own origin story is not as dramatic, but I believe you also are a miracle—a healthy, gorgeous baby boy that came into our lives unexpectedly and completed our family in a way we hadn’t known that we needed.

I’ve had to hold on to that gratitude in this month that was yet another challenging one with you. You have continued to boycott your swing and any other place we attempt to put you down, preferring demanding to be worn or held nearly every waking moment. There are some exceptions: you like your Bumbo seat for very brief stretches of time (I often sit you in the Bumbo on the kitchen counter while I do the dangerous cooking things—like stirring a hot pot—that I can’t do while wearing you), and you are pretty happy in your car seat (as long as the car is moving). The rest of the time your calmness is dependent on being carried by Daddy or me, and unless I’m nursing you, you really want us to be moving.

I have a feeling that your excessive fussiness is due to your being overtired. You will nap in the baby carriers, so you get at least one good morning nap when I wear you on my morning treadmill walk, and one afternoon nap with Daddy while he wears you as he works at the standing desk. Nighttime has been tougher: beginning around 7:00, Daddy and I take turns nursing/rocking/bouncing you for about an hour until you are sound enough asleep to place you in your swing. You’ll sleep in the swing for a couple of hours before waking up fussy, and we go through that whole routine again. I’m able to nurse you in bed when it’s time for me to sleep, but your nighttime sleep has also been less predictable than in the past and we’ve had plenty of restlessly sleepless nights.

I’m sure there are easier or better ways of navigating this situation that right now is tilting towards unmanageable, and maybe we will try some of them if your sleep doesn’t improve on its own. For now, it is what it is (to borrow Daddy’s most frequent expression). I’m tired and a little lonely since your neediness makes it tough to get out and, when we do go out, hard to have uninterrupted conversations with other adults. But this time is teaching me a lot about patience and sacrificial love. I’m leaning heavily on the Lord’s strength and trusting that He is using this time in ways that I don’t yet see.

One positive aspect to your moodiness is that I have an extra appreciativeness for the happy times with you. We’re continuing to see more of your personality as you babble and coo (your siblings are SURE you are intentionally saying “Mama,” but I’m not convinced you know what you’re saying when that word comes out). Your smile is positively divine and comes easily to you now—no more awkward grimaces as you attempt to maneuver your mouth into a grin. On a few occasions, I’ve even caught you smiling without prompting!

A huge milestone this month was your first chuckle! It was prompted by Kali, who was bouncing around in front of you with a giant balloon. I thought you were fussing until I realized those sounds were little giggles! We’ve only seen you laugh a couple other times since that moment, but it’s almost always in response to your siblings. You sure do love them! I’m currently listening to a book about very large families, and nearly all of the mamas interviewed for the book mention the joys of seeing sweet sibling interactions as one of their primary motives for having many children. I agree that seeing you all together has (rather unexpectedly) been one of my favorite parts of motherhood.

I’m still waiting for you to reach the milestone of rolling from back to tummy. I have a feeling you could do it with a little practice, but since you scream every time we try to put you down on your back, you don’t get many opportunities to work on that skill. You’re getting good at sitting, though, and are close to being able to sit unsupported.

You have a strong grasp and are currently in a grab-everything-in-sight-stage. You want anything in reach to be in your hands and in your mouth. It’s gotten tough to change you because you want to suck on the clothes going over your head! You love holding, shaking, and of course sucking on rattles and other noise-making toys, and you really like grabbing and sucking on my hair. (This is not my favorite! My postpartum shedding is ridiculous right now, and between that and your pulling, I am bound to be bald by time you turn one!) We’re going to be starting real food with you soon, and based on your obsession with putting things in your mouth, I have a feeling you’re going to LOVE it.

We had a rainy day last week, so your biggest brother’s Sports Day was moved from the park to an indoor location. We were a little confused at dropoff since there didn’t seem to be any adults present. I told Charleston to run to the door and check that someone was there, then let me know he was okay before we drove away. We watched as he ran through the rain to the front doors of the facility and peeked inside. He was there for a few moments, clearly trying to appraise the situation through the glass, before running back towards me, giving a grinning thumbs-up and a hearty wave, and dashing back through the doors into the shelter of the gym. In his simple gesture, my mind flashed forward to the moments when all four of you kiddos will one day wave your final goodbyes to Daddy and me, giving us a thumbs up that you are good on your own and ready to move on.

I cried the whole way home from that drop off. (Tears were a theme this month.) I’m just so grateful for this chance to parent each of you while you are under my care. These days are long but the years are far too short, and before long you’ll be spreading your wings and flying away from our little nest. For now, snuggle in. This Mama Bird is honored to provide the warmth and shelter and nourishment and love that you need.

Love Always and Forever,

Mama

EYE COLOR: Hazel

HAIR COLOR: This isn’t something I’ve been regularly tracking, but I want to note that it has lightened up a lot and even has streaks of red in it. Also, you have a huge bald spot on the back of your head from where it rubs my shirt as I wear you!

DIAPER SIZE: Honest Size 2

CLOTHING SIZE: 3 months (but close to sizing up to 3-6 months)

LENGTH AND WEIGHT: we’ll find out at your Well Check this Friday

MILESTONES: playing with rattles, laughing!, soooo close to rolling from back to tummy

NOTABLE FIRSTS: first dentist checkup (those gums look healthy but no teeth yet), first Valentine’s Day, first snow (which you enjoyed from inside our cozy house)

OTHER DEVELOPMENTS: Grabbing and sucking on everything! Your cheeks are perpetually chapped, probably from all the drool.

DISLIKES: being put down, Arlo barking

LIKES: milkies, Bumbo seat (for very short stints), rattles (most notably Girrafey, Cloudy, and Winnie-the-Pooh rattle), walks in the carrier, “flying” in the air over my head, bath time

THINGS I WANT TO REMEMBER: That first deep, contended sigh that lets me know you’ve fallen asleep as I rock you. The way you squeal and kick your legs when we step into cold outside air. How your face lights up when your siblings play with you.