Happy Birthday to my precious Nico-Nico!
One year ago today you burst into our lives and our hearts in the most humbling, gloriously imperfect fashion. In many ways, yours was the birth story of my dreams, and the redemptive birth I’d longed for after the twins’ traumatic delivery. Though painful and awkward and at once painstakingly slow and unexpectedly rushed, that wild delivery resulted in a tiny, gorgeous baby in the arms of an overwhelmingly grateful mama. It was a foretaste of our year to come: humbling, imperfectly glorious, painful, awkward, equal parts mundane and TOTALLY unexpected. . . all wrapped up in a blanket of love and gratitude for the incredible specimen that is you.
It’s hard for me to give words to all that this year has meant to me. I’m the woman who always longed to be a mama, but I’m still kind of shocked that the dream became a reality. There was a time when I didn’t know if I’d ever be blessed with one child, let alone four. Every aspect of your siblings’ origin stories was planned and hard-earned. And then here you were, the (very welcome) surprise we didn’t know our family needed. We thought we were done, that the baby window was closed for us; God knew differently, and I am so grateful that HE knew our family was incomplete without you as our grand finale.
So much about this year has been unexpected. After having twins, I thought that a single baby would be a breeze. I was in for a rude awakening! I had not anticipated the challenges of parenting a high-needs, “velcro” baby alongside three other kids, and this first year with you has been much harder than I imagined. There were many weeks of constant crying, and it’s only been in the past couple of months that you haven’t been glued to my body for nearly every minute of the day. It has been exhausting and has definitely put a damper on my social life, my ability to have a clean home, and every aspect of my rhythms and routines. But at the same time—and in complete honesty—it has been even better than I could have imagined.
That might sound like I’m trying to put a bow on a difficult year, but that’s not it at all. Despite the sleeplessness and the overwhelm and the ever-present sense of perpetual failure, this year was rich with bountiful blessings. I’ve had to lean into the messy and the imperfect (literal and figurative!), and in those awkward moments the Lord has equipped me with strength and wisdom to parent you and your siblings. He’s filled our home with so much beautiful laughter and love; and chaos, too, but even in the imperfections, God is teaching me to trust Him and to embrace the gifts that don’t resemble a magazine spread but are wonderful nonetheless.
I’ve loved the infant stage with every one of you four kiddos, but something about having a baby in my forties—and after twins (for whom parenting was all-consuming and lacked a lot of the personal touch)—has made this year with you particularly special. I have an extra appreciationfor every snuggle, every new milestone, every family moment that you’ve gotten to be a part of. I’ve made a concerted effort to be present with you in your first year, and I have truly been able to appreciate (almost) every moment of it.
Last week, I was feeling overwhelmed by all there was to do in preparation for your birthday: taking pictures, writing this blog post, decorating for a party, working on the baby book. . . . But you needed a nap, and you wouldn’t nap on your own. So you and I lay down on the couch, cuddled up together, and we slept. We’ve taken scores of naps together in the past year, but this one felt different. As you dozed in my arms, I felt a peace come over us. Your breath was steady, your face was at rest; in my arms, you had nothing to worry about, nothing to fear, no emotions beyond security and contentment. And holding you, staring down at your face as I moved in and out of sleep myself, I was able to appreciate the gift that I was the only person who could provide you with the safety, assurance, and rest that you needed. That afternoon nap with you reminded me of what an honor and a privilege it is to be a mom—not just any mom, but your mom. It’s a job that nobody else on the planet gets to do; what a blessing.
This final month of your first year brought some challenges. Three weeks ago you came down with a tummy bug that was absolutely brutal. I won’t get into all the dirty details, but it involved almost-constant diaper changes and resulted in a rash that made you so miserable during changes that it took both Daddy and me holding you down to get you changed. I had no idea how to feed you, since everything was going straight through you. And I was terrified that you were losing weight, which has already been a huge area of concern as we are still trying to identify the reasons for your delayed growth.
You were a few days into that tummy bug when you got the cold that had been going through our family, and it was worse for you than the rest of us. You’d had a remarkably healthy year up to that point with just a couple of other minor colds, and it was hard to see you stuffed up and coughing like crazy. We had a few nights of almost zero sleep because you always nurse to sleep but couldn’t nurse comfortably due to your stuffiness; Daddy and I took turns holding you upright through the day and night, and it killed us to see you feeling so poorly and so exhausted but unable to rest. We even brought you into urgent care at one point because your croup had gotten so bad and we were worried about your oxygen levels. Thankfully you were fine, and the cold passed after a few days, but it was not a fun time for any of us.
Beyond that week, your sleep situation has greatly improved! Getting back into a school routine has worked pretty well for you. We get up at 6:00, and by 8:30 you are ready for an hour-long nap in the baby carrier with Daddy while Daddy works and I do school with the other kids. Your second nap is in bed or on the couch with me in the afternoons, when you will easily sleep for two or three hours (I’m usually able to ooze out of bed after the first hour, leaving you to sleep longer). For the last few days, you’ve actually been napping in your swing; you have been letting me put you in awake, leaving you to fall asleep in the swing on your own. You haven’t done since you were just a couple of months old, and I have no idea whether this is a fluke (most likely) or the new norm (a mom can hope)!
Your bedtime is around 8:00. I nurse you to sleep and am able to get you down in our bed, surrounded by pillows so you don’t fall off the mattress (though it’s on the floor now, so if you do manage to wake up and crawl off it’s not a big deal). Some nights, if you aren’t falling asleep nursing, I put you in your swing where you settle right down (what a switch from how much you hated the swing for the past few months!); you may cry for a couple of minutes, but almost always fall asleep. On those swing nights you consistently wake up again at 11:30 for a quick nursing session before being moved into our bed. You still nurse through the night, but most nights I sleep right through it; you’re a pro at getting what you need!
Sleeping on your own has been a big and helpful change. So has your willingness to go to childcare at both The Y and at church. You sometimes fuss just a little when I leave, but you settle right down once I go, and I always get glowing reports when I pick you up at the end of the hour. Last week when I picked you up from church childcare, you were asleep in an excersaucer: the teachers said you’d wake up every few minutes and bounce yourself to sleep, what a sweet boy. After months of being attached to Mama, you finally love other people—kids and adults—and are even comfortable enough to fall asleep without me; it’s a relief that you do well in these situations. I miss having you with me all the time, but these short separations are good for both of us and I’m grateful for the other adults who are able to love on you while I get a break.
I’m so glad that you still are breastfeeding because the food situation this month hasn’t been great. It was hard knowing what to feed you when you were fighting that tummy bug; you didn’t want to self-feed finger foods so we did a lot of spoon-feeding of rice cereal and applesauce and yogurt. You’re appetite is back, and while you are pretty particular about your food (you don’t love meat or many bread products), you adore fruit of all kinds, and you really love cheese. Of course you like sweets too; ice cream is definitely a favorite.
A huge milestone this month is that you started crawling! You were so comfortable with your one-footed army crawl that I’d started to wonder if you ever would crawl on your knees. For a while you had been getting up to your knees and rocking, but would revert back to your tummy to move forward. Just last week you crawled across the room for the first time (chasing your siblings who had gone outside); I was so proud, and happy I could capture the first crawl in a video! Of course you are crawling all over the house and are into everything, but seeing you pad around on your hands and knees is just too cute for words. Sometimes you stop to play, or just to spin around on your booty or your tummy; you spin and spin, often clapping or waving your hands, always smiling. It’s our Nico as his silliest, sweetest, most adorable self. And that army crawl hasn’t totally gone away; it still makes an appearance when you get lazy and want to crawl somewhere faster than your hands and knees can carry you.
In addition to crawling, you like to climb and can get yourself onto our mattress without help. You are also pulling to standing at every opportunity and you finally figured out how to get back down. (For a while, you’d get stuck which was pretty funny to watch but not so funny for you as you’d cry waiting to be rescued.) You have even started to take a few steps while holding onto furniture, and I know you’ll be officially cruising in no time.
We are definitely seeing a new stubborn/feisty streak from you, especially in the last week. You get very angry when you don’t get your way, with fast-escalating tears of the “I’m mad I didn’t get my way” type (rather than the “I’m genuinely sad about this” variety). That stubbornness especially comes out at meal times when we put you in your high chair, which you do NOT like to be strapped into. (Once you’re in, it’s fine; it’s just getting in that’s the problem). You haven’t wanted to self-feed finger foods, but you also have not wanted us to feed you and insist on grabbing the spoon and flinging your food, which is not fun at all. I’m hoping this phase is a short-lived one.
When you are not mad or sad, you are SO CHATTY! You’re always babbling, making various noises with your mouth and grunting and at times even trying to sing (at least that’s how it sounds). You say “mama” for me, and “mum mums” for Baby Mum Mums (but really for any food that you want) and “uh-oh” (you finally mastered the “oh” part) when you drop something. We think you might be trying to say “Da Da” and “Arlo” as well, and I’m pretty sure you’ve said “hi”! You also know how to sign “more” when you want more food. And speaking of hand gestures, you still love clapping every time we say “yay” and you know how to wave, but sometimes end up waving at yourself instead of the one waving to you.
Of course your siblings love how interactive you are. One year in, and they still come to see you first thing each morning and can’t wait to hug and hold and kiss and laugh with you. They are all great at entertaining you with toys and games of ball and peek-a-boo. Kali loves singing with you and you try to sing along; sometimes it actually sounds like you are singing the words to Twinkle Twinkle. Now that you’re bigger, we let Charleston carry you around and he’s a huge help. Last week he fed you lunch, cleaned you up, got you out of your high chair, and brought you into the living room to play. You both were thrilled with the whole situation, and Mama was thrilled to offload the task. How fortunate you are to be growing up with three big siblings who absolutely adore you.
On Saturday we had a first birthday party for you! The theme was Winnie-the-Pooh, inspired by the number of Pooh-related toys and clothing you got when you were born, along with my personal love of Winnie-the-Pooh that stretches back to my own childhood. Your siblings were really excited to help with the party planning and decorating; Charleston even read the original book in preparation, and he assigned a character to every family member—you being our Pooh Bear, of course. It was fun to reminisce about the other kids’ first birthdays (a Charlie Brown theme for Charleston and Mickey & Minnie for the twins), and it’s strange to think that one day we will be looking back at this birthday too. It’s definitely one I want to remember.
Though we went all out with the party decor, the event itself was pretty simple. Friends and family gathered at our house for snacks and playing on the water bouncehouse and—the main event—cupcakes! You were very intrigued by the candle in your cupcake and by all of the people singing to you. And when it was time for you go dig in, you had NO PROBLEM knowing what to do. That cupcake didn’t stand a chance! None of your siblings were quite as enthusiastic about their first birthday cakes, but you polished yours off without a hitch, and your sugar-crazed giddiness was the most adorable thing EVER.
I know that a birthday is just a day, and that a first birthday party is just one of many parties you’ll have over your life. You’ll actually remember those other parties, unlike this one. But I’m glad we got to have a big celebration to commemorate this huge milestone. I’m certain your siblings and all our photos will help you “recall” this birthday party for years to come; the rest of us will never forget our sweet little Honey’s special day.
Well, Nickelson, here we are: the end of this letter, and the end of an era. I’m writing this the night before your birthday, and you had a GREAT last day as an infant. You snuggled with the teachers at church, took rides on the Daniel Tiger ride-along toy you got from Grandma and Grandpa for your birthday, enjoyed leftover party donuts and cupcakes, had a dance party with the twins at bedtime, and played one final round of laughter-filled peek-a-boo with Charleston once the twins had gone to bed. And now you’re nursing on my lap as I write—which is fitting, because it’s how I’ve done most of my blogging in the past year. Before I started writing, I sang to you and you stared into my eyes as you suckled. It was the sweetest moment that felt like a ending, but also a beginning.
Of course this isn’t the last monthly letter I’ll write to you; I will continue to write a private letter to you each month, just as I do for you siblings. But those letters won’t be public, and none of them will be written to a baby because you aren’t really a baby anymore. Ready or not, you’re on your way to toddlerhood. My heart can’t even handle how happy I am to have had this year with you, and how proud I am that you’ve come so far in this year, and how sad I am that so much goodness is now in the rearview mirror. But there are even better things ahead, for you and for us. I’m excited to see you continue to grow, to walk alongside you as you learn new skills and become aware of God’s fingerprints on your life. He loves you so much, my sweet Nickel Boy. And I sure do too.
I’ll end this letter with the blessing we pray over you and your siblings each night: May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord look upon you with favor and give you hope and peace and joy and love. Happy, happiest of birthdays!
Love Always and Forever and Ever and Ever,
Your Adoring Mama
FAVORITES: musical train/block toy, cash register toy, playing ball, peek-a-boo, fruit (oranges, applesauce, berries), ice cream, cheese, Mum Mums, playing in the bath or the pool, crawling around and exploring, the twins’ play kitchen, Duplo Legos, singing with Kali, petting Arlo
DISLIKES: Arlo barking, diaper changes
HAIR STATUS: Sandy brown/blonde, whispy and curly on the ends. Such a change from the black hair you were born with!
EYE COLOR: Light brown with darker rims.
TOOTH COUNT: Two bottom teeth.
CLOTHING SIZE: 6 months, Size 3 diapers
LENGTH/WEIGHT: We’ll find out at your 12-month check-up this week, but right around 17 pounds and 26 inches. I do think you lost some weight when you were sick, and I’m hoping that didn’t set back your growth too much more because you need every pound and inch you can get.
WORDS YOU CAN SAY: Mama, Dada, Mum-Mum, Uh-Oh, Arlo, Hi
NEW MILESTONES: crawling, cruising a few steps
OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO AT 1 YEAR: stand, clap, sign “more” for more food, wave (but you usually end up waving towards yourself)
MEMORIES I HOPE NEVER TO FORGET: Watching you spin around on your booty or belly; seeing Charleston carry you around and help feed you; the way you laugh at Kali and Sully when they’re being crazy; hearing you try to sing along when Kali sings to you; cuddling up for naps together; splashing in the therapy pool with you at the Y; your crazy “Einstein hair” after naps; seeing your face light up when we sang Happy Birthday to you at your party—and the huge mess you made when you went after that cupcake!
