My dearest Kali Joy and Sully Luke,

Happy 6th birthday (in two days) to the sweetest pair of twins there ever was! Goodness gracious, how I love the two of you and am so excited to be celebrating you this weekend.

Six years ago, I was 36 weeks pregnant and unbearably uncomfortable. The lower half of my body was so swollen that it took all of Daddy’s strength to pull my compression socks over my bloated ankles and calves. Every joint in my body throbbed. Braxton-Hicks contractions were nearly constant, and my stomach felt so tight that I could barely drink or eat. And I was a ball of anxiety as I awaited your imminent arrival. You were both still in the breech position, and I was doing everything in my power to get you to flip around so that you wouldn’t need to be delivered via C-section. I knew you needed to stay inside me for as long as possible so that you could grow and also so that you could move head-down, but I was exceedingly eager to meet you and—almost as importantly—to be done with being pregnant!

I awoke in the wee hours of the morning of September 27th, 2019, with a sudden urge to pee. (Not unusual at that point in my pregnancy.) As I heaved my massive belly out of bed, I heard a popping noise and fluid came gushing out of me. It was go time! Daddy and I were at the hospital within the hour, and between intense contractions I was insisting that the nurses do an ultrasound to determine whether you were still breech or if you had shifted, which would mean we could attempt a vaginal delivery. The ultrasound proved unnecessary: a quick check showed that I was fully dilated, and Sully’s foot was visible to the naked eye. There was no question as to which way you were positioned. Before the doctors could arrive, my body—not having received the memo that I needed a C-section—began doing what it was designed to do: it started to push. I remember being rushed down the hospital hallway as the anesthesiologist explained what was about to happen, and then a mask was placed over my mouth and everything went black.

My next memory is of an empty hospital room. There was a tube in my nose and needles in my arms. I had no idea how much time had passed. I pressed my hand to my stomach, which I noticed was wrapped in bandages and noticeably flatter than it had been the last time I was awake; I knew you must have been delivered, but I had no idea where you were or whether you were healthy or anything at all. I could do nothing but pray that you were somewhere in this hospital, alive and ready to meet your mama.

Sadly, my first moments with you are hazy. But I do remember Daddy coming into the room, telling me that the doctor had successfully delivered two tiny but perfect little babies. He was followed by a nurse who placed two 4.5-pound bundles into my outstretched arms. Your unbelievably small bodies were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Tears flowed as I stared into your faces, noticing the similarities and differences in these two faces I’d been dreaming of for nine months many years. I lifted you each to a breast, and there was so much relief—that you were alive, that you were healthy—as well as overwhelming joy that I was now a mama to TWINS! But my happiness was tinged with grief over the reality of a delivery that was the opposite of the one I had imagined.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the specifics of your birth story. Being a new mom to twins while also healing from a traumatic C-section was all-consuming; there was little time or space for emotions. And who was I to feel sad about the delivery when I had been gifted two healthy, insanely adorable babies? We needed no NICU time; you took right to breastfeeding; we even got to keep you together at all times, despite the nurse’s reprimands that you weren’t “supposed to be” in the same bassinet (something I totally disregarded—it went against my every instinct to keep you apart). So much went RIGHT with your birth, I didn’t think it was right or okay to acknowledge that it hadn’t been perfect.

Five years later, I delivered another baby and the reality of what I lost in YOUR delivery was brought to the surface. Nico’s birth was redemptive in many ways, and the healing brought about by his delivery (an unmedicated VBAC) has allowed me to fully acknowledge and grieve what I lost in your births: I was not awake for your first breaths, your first cries; mine was not the first smiling face that you saw or voice you heard; I did not get the experience of pushing you out of my body and holding you immediately to my chest. My first moments with you are blurred by the remnants of anesthesia. After your delivery, I was so grateful that everything had turned out okay; I thank God for that miracle EVERY SINGLE DAY. At the same time, I am still so very sad about the details of our origin story. Six years later, I feel that I am finally able to fully hold both the joy AND the sadness, the gratitude AND the grief.

Praise the Lord that our rocky start was not a harbinger of what was to come. There was so much about your earliest days—from the emergency C-section, to the fact that you were twins, to your prematurity—that could have hindered my ability to connect and bond with you. But the instinctive love I felt for you two babies was immediate and immense. And that love has only grown over the last six years. Which brings us to today!

I can honestly say that raising twins has, unexpectedly, been one of the greatest joys of my life. It is absolutely different from raising singletons (something that became even MORE apparent to me in this last year with Nico), and there are certainly things I missed (and still miss) doing one-on-one with each of you, but what we DO have with you twinsies is so much better! I’m often asked how I feel about having twins, and whether the questioner is a fellow twin mom or a mother expecting twins or someone who could hardly imagine what it would be like to have twins themself, my answer is always the same: twins are the BEST!

Thankfully you both share my sentiments. You are the best of friends, with an inexplicable understanding of one another’s needs and desires. Like all siblings, you bicker at times, but your squabbles never last; more often than not you are laughing and playing together, finishing each other’s sentences, giggling over shared inside jokes, hugging and kissing each other with almost no awareness that your bodies are not one. You have different interests, and you do spend time apart, but always manage to drift back to one another—even at nighttime, which almost always finds the two of you snuggled together in the same (toddler-sized) bed. This past weekend, Sully was on a Trail Life campout with Daddy and Charlie—your first time being apart for more than a few hours. You definitely missed each other, and your reunion was SO sweet; I loved seeing you run into each other’s arms. And during/after that time apart, I realized how much being together frees each of you up to be your full selves. It’s hard to explain other than to say that you both seem so much more vibrant when you are together.

Your personalities are pretty different (we’ll get to that) but there are similarities too. You are both fun and playful, curious and eager to learn, and a pleasure to have around. You have plenty of energy and are always up for an activity or adventure, but you’re also content to spend time playing quietly in your room, or sit coloring for hours while I read aloud, or entertain yourselves with games of “Sparkles” in the backyard. Teachers at church and school and the gym always comment on how much they enjoy having the two of you in their classes because you are well-behaved, happy to participate, easy-going, polite, and eager to please. That isn’t always the case at home, of course, but you two truly are “easy” kiddos and I genuinely love (almost) every moment we get to spend together.

It was a really big year for the two of you. There was the usual maturing, with emotions leveling out and increased levels of independence. You started Kindergarten and have begun attending Sports Day and Trail Life (Sully)/American Heritage Girls (Kali). We are able to have deeper conversations, play big-kid games, read more challenging books, and watch more advanced movies and shows. This was the year that you both prayed to accept Jesus into your hearts, and it is incredible to watch you start to make your faith your own. You really do understand the things you are learning about God and the Bible, and it’s amazing to hear your heartfelt prayers, listen to you discuss the Bible (even among your friends), and see you placing your trust in the Lord.

Of course, there’s more than just you two kiddos in our family, and watching your evolving relationships with Charleston and Nico has also been a lot of fun! Since Nico’s birth, you have definitely joined Charleston as the big kids of the family and the three of you do a lot more together than in the past, when you still felt like the “littles.” Charleston can be pretty bossy with you, but you really look up to him and he is a great model and teacher to you. And then there’s Nico, whom you completely adore. You can’t get enough of playing with him and carrying him around the house, marveling at his new skills and remarking on his cuteness. I couldn’t have asked for sweeter, more attentive big siblings for our littlest fellow.

As much as I love the twin-ness of you two, you are very much your own persons deserving of individual recognition in this birthday letter. Here we go!

KALINDA JOY

Sweet Kali-Cat, your name means “sunshine” and you fully live into that meaning: your face exudes light and joy, and you have the most beautiful spirit that shines through in your kindness, your enthusiasm, your zest for life, the way you always sing and dance around a room or frolic across a field. Sometimes the clouds come in (you feel deeply, your emotions can be quite “dynamic,” and you can dip into a spirit of discontent if left unchecked), but my sunny girl always comes back. There have been some shifts in your personality this year: you have gotten a little quieter and more self-conscious, more cautious. You’ve definitely become more of a mama’s girl and don’t like being apart from me, which is new. You can be a perfectionist and get upset when you are unable to do things perfectly—something I hate that I relate to, but hopefully can help you through.

You have also grown more creative and into more of a dreamer, which especially comes out when we do our school work: you love to create backstories for each character we meet, adorn your papers with flowers and hearts, make connections between our various subjects and bring them to life. I am fascinated by your mind! Reading and math are not coming easily to you, but you excel in memory work and storytelling and anything that involves your body—I’m not sure I’ve ever met a more naturally graceful and poised little girl.

I couldn’t have asked for a better “solo daughter” among three brothers. You can totally hang with the boys, and enjoy being outside just as much as (maybe more than) them. But you are also the girliest of girls: nothing can ever be too pink or sparkly, and you’ve never met an accessory or baby doll or Princess movie/book/show/song you didn’t love. It’s been so fun to do American Heritage Girls with you and get to be surrounded by ALL girls—you are totally in your element! I see in you a special sensitivity and a love for making things beautiful, and I’m thrilled by the feminine spirit that God has placed within you.

I enjoyed doing a birthday interview with you. Some of your answers surprised me, and I love how much thought you put into each question. You generally love being in the spotlight (I often find you practicing your dance moves, cat walk, and facial expressions in a mirror), so answering questions and posing for pictures for this birthday post was TOTALLY up your ally. I am happy to shine the light on you today.

How do you feel about turning six?

Happy, because . . . I don’t know, I just like it ’cause it’s my favorite. I think ’cause of the presents.

What was your favorite thing about being five?

I don’t know. I like staying up late.

[Mama note: your bedtime is still 7:00. . . . ]

What are you looking forward to next year?

Turning seven, ’cause it’s my favorite number.

What is something you are proud of?

Having a baby brother.

What is something you’re good at?

Cartwheels! Gymnastics. And helping kids.

What makes you happy?

Happy? When I’m sad, Nico helps me feel better to give him a hug.

What makes you scared?

When some people be very mad at me. When I get in trouble from you and Daddy. Or when we’re looking forward to something and you can’t do it, that sometimes makes you scared or sad. Like when Shayden wanted to do the ice cream thing and he didn’t get to, he was sad and it made me sad.

What’s the best thing about our family?

Being twins.

Wow, being twins is the best thing, huh? What do you love about being twins?

Being together most of the time.

What is your favorite movie or show?

I think the Barbie movies. Because they’re about magic and pretty fancy stuff and they’re trying to find jewelry and stuff and they find out mysteries that I like.

What is your favorite book?

The Pigeon Needs a Bath, it’s such a good one!

[Mama note: you want to read that one every night, even though you have it memorized.]

Tell me what you know about God.

That God died on the cross for our sins. That He told Adam and Eve to not eat the apple but Satan said they’ll be more powerful than God if they eat it, and they sinned so they brought sin to the world. But we’ll go to Heaven with God if you’re a Christian.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I do want to be a babysitter and a spy, or just a babysitter. Maybe I would spy on bad guys, but I don’t know what gadgets that I need and I don’t know a secret lair for me.

What is your favorite thing to do for fun?

Favorite thing to do for fun? Hmm. I think it’s going to the play place, but I miss it now.

Describe your perfect day.

Maybe go to California and go to Forest Home. (Noticing what I’ve just typed.) “Hey, I know that word, it says go!“

Who is your best friend?

Alice. And Sully. And a girl at Sports Day, but I’m not sure if her name is Addie or Allie but it sounds like Kali.

What is your favorite color?

I think rainbow sparkly, and pink and purple.

What is your favorite thing to eat?

Cotton candy, I like cotton candy, pink ’cause I know just pink and blue but I’ll do pink. Oooh, I should have said what my favorite jewelry was, it’s little bracelets that are hearts for, like, friends and you put them together. They’re like broken hearts and they say words but when you put them together they say, like, a word: “I love my family.”

What is something that you wish?

What do I wish? Hmmm. . . to have magic. I would make birthday presents that I really wanted but I can’t have until like maybe next year, like a Minnie Mouse telephone and a little fan with a face of a unicorn that goes low-high-high and makes you warm.

What is something you want to learn to do?

Maybe do double cartwheels, ’cause I can’t do it, I can do one and stand back up but I feel like I take a break.

If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Making stuff, like toys for me and Sully and Nico and Charlie and Brooke and Collin ’cause they are nice to me. I can make presents without buying them. . . for, like, Christmas!

Do you have a birthday message or wish for Sully?

That Sully can still have a great time with Alice even though she just whispers stuff to my ear, that he can get along with her.

SULLIVAN LUKE

Sully-Sulls, you have matured so much this year and are growing into your Daddy’s mini-me: observant, silently stubborn, analytical, task-oriented, independent, and a problem solver. You are more quiet than your siblings, often happy to observe rather than participate in conversation or activity, but you are very articulate when you do have something to say. You are curious and have deep questions and thoughtful observations (you notice EVERYTHING), and even when you’re silent I know that there is so much going on in your little mind.

You are absolutely excelling in school. Earlier this year you asked me to teach you to read, and now you are reading full books all on your own. You also taught yourself how to tell time, and I realized recently that you can do multiplication problems in your head, even though that’s not something I’ve taught you! When it comes to schoolwork you are fiercely independent: you prefer to read the directions and do your work all on your own, without any input from me, and when doing schoolwork or reading you are unbothered by mistakes and press forward, even when there are words or problems you don’t understand. That flexibility does not translate to all areas of our life: you are a stickler about being exact in speech and in time, and always correct us if we’ve gotten a fact slightly wrong. You get very agitated when you don’t FULLY understand something and want to have all the information about just about everything.

You often keep your emotions to yourself, which has been a huge change from the boy who once wore his heart on his sleeve. But while you tend towards seriousness and stoicism, you have a silliness that comes out at the most random times. I love when you suddenly make a joke or break out into a dance. You are the most adorably awkward guy (I lovingly refer to you as a gangly colt), which is a stark contrast to Kali’s cool body awareness. You are unbothered by this, and have become a leader in your little duo, looking out for your sister and helping her with her schoolwork or when she doesn’t understand something or when she is scared. You’re only a minute older, but you wear the “older brother” mantle well. And speaking of brothers, as you’ve gotten older you have become very interested in everything Charlie does. You share his interest in Legos, video games, and Dodgeball, and it’s been fun to see you two grow closer.

You took our little photo shoot seriously and after several “stiff” photos I asked you to show me your true smile—to which you responded that you don’t like how your eyes get “all squinty” when you genuinely grin (something I had no idea that you were aware of). But I LOVE that giant smile of yours, and finally got some grins from you. Interviewing you was different than my interview with Kali. True to your logical, pragmatic self, your answers were succinct and factual without a lot of fluff. It was all business!

How do you feel about turning six?

Good. I’m excited to be older.

What was your favorite thing about being five?

I got to do more stuff, like starting Kindergarten and Trail Life and Sports Day.

What are you looking forward to next year?

Shrugs shoulders.

What is something you are proud of?

Reading.

What’s the best thing about our family?

We spend time with each other a lot.

What is something you’re good at?

I’m good at Mario Kart, once I won, once I was first and second the whole time but then I turned out eighth. And I have good eyes out, that means I find lots of little things, like my crystal.

[Mama note: you really are VERY observant and notice everything!]

What makes you scared?

I can’t think of anything.

What makes you happy?

I have a twin.

What is your favorite movie or show?

Paw Patrol

What is your favorite book?

Pup Detectives.

[Mama note: it’s so fun that you can read these on your own now!]

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A scientist.

What kind of scientist do you want to be?

An archaeologist. They look for stuff from back in the Bible times.

Tell me what you know about God.

He doesn’t get angry at people. That He loves us.

What is your favorite thing to do for fun?

Play video games and sports games. I like to play with my siblings: Kali, Charlie, and Nico!

Describe your perfect day.

I would get presents and money. And I would go to a restaurant, McDonald’s. I would eat a milkshake and a hamburger and some french fries. I would go to an inside playground like Altitude.

Who is your best friend?

I have lots of best friends. Shayden. And Kali, she’s kind to me.

What is your favorite color?

Orange.

What is your favorite thing to eat?

Oranges. That’s so funny, my favorite color is orange AND my favorite food is orange!

What do you wish?

I wish I could do anything I wanted. I don’t know what I would do.

What is something you want to learn to do?

I would like to learn how to make a garden. I would grow fruits like oranges and strawberries and blueberries.

[Mama Note: You are the kiddo who is always outside in the garden with Daddy, you already have a total green thumb.]

If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Fire, like I could shoot out fire.

Do you have a birthday message or wish for Kali?

I wish she would have a pet unicorn. She does like those.

Kali and Sully, it is the honor of my life to be your mom. Thank you for the joy and privilege of getting to watch you grow into such a handsome gentleman and beautiful lady. I’m excited to see all that God has in store for you in the coming year. I hope that this birthday is all that you have dreamed it would be, and that you LOVE being six years old!

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mama